Feeling Lucky

Posted May 21, 2010 — by Leah

Is it weird that, in many ways, I wouldn’t want to trade my situation now for a situation without autism?

I know that sounds odd, I know I’d never wish autism upon a person or upon a family.  But I feel lucky to have it in my life.  There’s so much beauty in autism that I’d never know.  Autism makes me a better person.

Without autism I wouldn’t be aware of my own issues that resemble it,  I wouldn’t be half as patient, I wouldn’t be nearly as understanding, I would be more judgmental, I would be less accepting of people with special needs.

The thought of someone telling me about their child’s special need and me not being able to understand how that parent feels makes me sad.  I can deeply understand the pain parents go through.  I am a broken broken person but there’s wisdom in brokenness…in some twisted way.

I’ve walked on eggshells for Silas since the moment he was born, he’s incredibly hard to please in many ways but when the day is over and I think about my son, I just feel lucky.  Silas is…..light.

No I don’t get to have regular conversations with him as most parents get to have with their four year old boy.  He’s not into dinosaurs or trucks or cars or rocks and dirt.  He’s into numbers and letters and what time it is.  He’s into concrete things.  Often you can hear him say something like “If you sit on Cleo, she will bark!” or “If I’m happy I will smile!”.  Concrete statements, predictable.  I hear the time of day 100 times a day, we chat about what time we’ll do what activity.  He wants to talk about what month it is and what’s going to happen on Thursday.  It’s so so so so…different.  But it’s special, and it’s mine.

So many times he’s out of line in the day and I have to talk him down.  My days are FULL of tears.  My days are also FULL of joy.  His smile warms my heart so much that I can hardly stand it.  My days are full of celebrations.  I get to celebrate newness every single day because every single day he does something new and amazing.  He’s the smartest person I know and he’s only four.  We potty trained him last weekend and he took to it like a champion.  He just GETS things.  We go through 10 pages of his grade 1 math book in about 15 minutes.  He’s unbelievable.

The problem is, when he’s melting down I have a list in my head of about 10 things that I could have done better to prevent the melt down.  Fitting into his world is almost as hard as him fitting into mine.

No I don’t wish autism on anyone.  No I’m not “happy” my son has this disorder.  But now it’s said and done,  now the smoke has cleared, now I understand him…I can’t help but feel thankful, lucky, blessed.

But Mom!

Posted May 20, 2010 — by Jennie C.

Mom, can you help me put toothpaste on my toothbrush?

[squish tube, apply toothpaste]

Mom, does it cost more to buy bubble gum and watermelon flavoured toothpastes?

Yes.

More than this minty kind?

Yes.

Mom, would you consider buying it anyway?

[slightly terse] You are running late, we can discuss this another time.

Mom, this is really spicy!

You’ve used 98% of the tube, I’m sure you can handle it a little bit longer.

But you put too much on the toothbrush!

Then take it off.

I did!

[grrrrrrr...] 

Be Aware

Posted May 14, 2010 — by Leah

I missed autism awareness month, which was April.  I intended on blogging about it but I kept forgetting it.  Better late than never though eh??  Did I just say “eh”?

Anywho.  In leu of autism awareness month I thought I should blog about what you need to be aware about when it comes to autism.  Simple no?

  • Autism is NOT a disease.  It is a disorder.  My child isn’t diseased and I will punch you in the throat if you say otherwise.
  • People with autism are not autistic.  Just as much as people with cancer aren’t cancerous.  I cringe every time someone tells me about so and so’s “autistic kid”.  They’re people, humans and not some weird human sub-type.
  • People with autism don’t actually want to be alone.  They may tend to seek out solitude because they are having a sensory overload or don’t know how to relate to the people they are around but they by no means prefer to be away from people.  They just don’t necessarily know HOW to be around people.
  • Autism is nothing to be ashamed of.  I’ve always wanted to have children who stood against the crowd and I sure got one.  It is a blessing to be, or be around someone who has a different world view.  It is not to be shamed, shunned or swept under the rug.
  • People with autism may not always speak but cognitively they are “there”.  They know what you’re saying and if/when you’re talking about them in front of them.  They understand things, sometimes, on a much deeper level that you ever could.  Please don’t talk about them when they’re in the room.
  • People with autism can melt down at the drop of a hat.  In public, never assume a parent has bad parenting skills based on how their child is acting.  I am that mother in the grocery store with the screaming child and it’s not my fault, nor is it his fault.  Instead give an understanding smile or even ask if they need a hand!!  Sometimes they might have another child who needs holding while they deal with the situation :) .
  • Parents of children with autism often feel very secluded.  Their world revolves around appointments and therapy.  They can’t just go and be at a playgroup as their child is likely to melt down or harm another child.  They might not have the energy to even go.  Life can be extremely lonely for an autism parent.
  • The average lifetime caring cost for a person with autism is over 3 million dollars.  Not all of this comes out of our pockets, Silas has cost the government well over 100k by now.  A lot DOES need to come out of our pockets because the government wont cover everything.  So if you notice me in last years capris…you know why.  Also, I have a bunch of fundraiser ideas in my head, if you have any or want to help out with one somehow then please let me know.
  • Finally, people with autism are a blessing to our planet.  With 1 in every 95 children being diagnosed somewhere on the spectrum, you’re likely to know someone with autism yourself.  Don’t treat them as something to be fixed.  See the amazing humanity in them, see their gifts and mostly love them the very best you can because these people might just end up changing the world.

10 things every child with autism wishes you knew

Not Quite What I’d Intended

Posted May 13, 2010 — by Jennie C.

Junco

At the last minute, Hubby and I decided to throw the kids in the van and head to my parents house last weekend.  The drive is about 4 1/2 hours and I LOVE LOVE LOVE their new home and I love going back to the forests in which I grew up.

Even better, my Grandparents were visiting and one of my sisters and her boy were there, too!  Four generations together for Mother’s Day!

However, I didn’t really think about the fact that it was Mother’s Day and I hadn’t prepared a gift for my lovely Momma.

But she was out for a few hours and I decided to wash windows as a gift.  I washed the most prominent ones, the ones in the main living area, and I did them inside and out PLUS the screens.

[Guide Note:  Norwex cloths are the BEST - no cleaners necessary, just water - contact Tracey if you wanna learn more - P.S. I'm not receiving a commission for this.]

The windows sparkled.  The outdoor beauty flooded in.  When my Momma came home, I proudly showed off my work (like I was 4 and not 40).  Momma was happy.  The WORLD was a BETTER place.

On Sunday, the weather was so lovely, we opened both doors and didn’t bother with screens as there isn’t any bugs out and about yet.  Children ran freely in and out.  Maddie the Chihuahua-who-can-do-no-wrong ran freely in and out.  The fresh air and delightful spring smells ran freely in and out.

And of course, a little birdie flew inside.  Of course.  My Momma exclaimed, “Oh, it’s a little junco.”  (I love that my Momma knows what different birds are called.  I’m gonna learn them all, too – one of these days.)

We all started talking at once and trying to herd the frightened critter towards a door.  Naturally, we were all attempting to herd it towards a different door.  The TERRIFIED thing took to it’s wings, SMASHED into one of my nice clean windows and flopped MOTIONLESS onto the floor.

MORAL OF THE STORY:   Just when you think you’ve got the loveliest, sparkliest, cleanest windows in the world, a bird will smash into the INSIDE of them and make you feel BAD.

P.S. Little birdie was gently carried outside and placed in a safe location.  She eventually woke up and flew away.

P.P.S. When I left, there were still bird feathers stuck to the INSIDE of the otherwise clean window.

The End.

Photo of random junco courtesy of someone or other over here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Junco_hyemalis_31111.JPG

The Autism Filter

Posted May 12, 2010 — by Leah

When I look at my dear boy Silas, whether he’s happy or sad, all I see is…Silas.  I don’t see autism.  I don’t look at him through that filter.

It hasn’t been a conscious choice to see him that way.  It’s just how it has happened.  And I think it is very beneficial to Silas but also somewhat detrimental.

He’s never treated like there’s something wrong with him but he also has the very same expectations on him as he would have as “typical” child.  He doesn’t have to look “normal” but we expect he treat others kindly.  That’s that hardest part for him.  And it’s not always fair.

I wish, though, that I could tell my frustration levels to see Silas through an autism filter.  How quickly I forget the torment he must be experiencing when he melts down.  His sensory systems are overloading and I have no idea what that feels like and I sometimes have a VERY hard time feeling patient about it.  Especially lately.

Part of me wonders if I’m in denial about it.  But I’ve gone through the motions, I’ve mourned, I’ve gotten his therapy in place, I feel like I’ve read every single book on the market about autism.  I can’t be in denial.  So I try sometimes, to look at him through the autism filter and all I feel is sadness for him, for me, for everything.

I don’t need those feelings.  It makes no sense to label him.  He has trouble learning some things but he’s also forced to be in a world that’s not laid out for his brain type.

So I’ll just continue to look at him and just see Silas.  See that amazing face that’s not only handsome but lights up a room whenever it smiles.  I see that twinkle in his eye that only kids with autism can have.  Those big, round, wise eyes that seem to look straight into your soul.  I see a deeply valued and extremely important person who is lucky enough to be able to see things from a different point of view.  I see complete despair and confusion and sadness that he cannot control, no matter how hard he tries.  I see beauty at it’s absolute perfection.  I see no autism, I see no label, I see nothing wrong.  He’s not something to be fixed.

Unfortunately our world wont change for him, so it’s him who’s going to have to change.  Hopefully you’ll choose to see him the same way that I do so this world will feel a bit brighter for him.

Lessons From a Passive Aggressive.

Posted May 10, 2010 — by Leah

I’m not typically a person who enjoys conflict.  In fact, I avoid it like the plague.  I’ll put myself through misery to avoid it.  Bad way to live life, but I do it.  One thing I’d like to grow my way out of.

Today my fears completely faded away for a brief moment though, and it was kinda funny.

Isaac and I were at a local nursery which is like…my happy place.  I had just finished carrying goats and rabbits around in my arms (yes i like to carry them) and I was looking forward to getting back to my cart and my hot nonfat Starbucks latte.

When I get within sight of my cart, which was one of their nicer ones with a place for a small child, I see my starbucks sitting on TOP of a garbage can, a crappy cart with no child holder in it and this lady walking away with MY CART!!

Immediately I yell out “Excuse me!!!”, she turns and looks…” did you just take my cart?”.  And I make her come back, unload her toddler and plants that she had just loaded up on MY cart and I took it back.  MY CART.  It was empty all but my cup of coffee and she said “well it was empty”.  Then I snorted back that it had a HOT cup of coffee on it.

I walked away giggling at myself.  What a stupid thing to cause a scene about, really.  She could have used it much more than I could have.  Isaac is bigger and doesn’t NEED the child containment but it’s nice, I wasn’t purchasing any plants (well, until I saw they have alpine strawberries and then I bought a plant ) and she had two small children and plants she was buying but…it’s the principle here.  You don’t take someone’s hot coffee off a cart and stick it on the garbage can and you don’t just assume something that’s not yours.  I felt like I was teaching her a lesson.

I’m sure I learned a bigger lesson, though.  It felt really GOOD to just tell a person how it is.  I didn’t mix up my words, I was as kind as I could about it and I ended up not stewing about the jerk who wronged me…cuz I took control of the situation.  Something every passive aggressive person needs to learn.  It’s not that bad.

I really don’t know what came over me, what a weird, random thing for me to do.  But, I liked it.  And I’m also going to like my alpine strawberries…and I really liked having Ikey contained…because when he’s not…bad things happen.

Fuzz Therapy

Posted May 06, 2010 — by Jennie C.

My son coined a new term, “fuzz therapy”.  It’s what our silly little chihuahua does for him and the rest of us in the family.  He rubs his face all over her and says, “Mmmmm, fuzz therapy.”  We really love this ridiculous little 5.8 pound creature too much.  She has dozens of endearing nicknames and my extended family is sick to death of hearing about her captivating antics. :)

Another topic.  I grew up being taught that FLIES are the most disgusting, disease-carrying insect on the face of the earth.  Food that they touched had to be thrown out.  Objects that they landed on had to be sterilized.  I’m not quite so disgusted by them as my upbringing would indicate, but they are still pretty blucky.

However, you combine our darling 11 month old Maddie with a repulsive half-dead fly and what do you get?  PURE ENTERTAINMENT.

She’s really quite the fierce predator, eh?

I’ve Been Bit

Posted May 05, 2010 — by Leah

Last year I was apathetic about gardening.  I wasn’t in the mood.  The news of Silas’ autism had made it so nothing that once brought me joy was enjoyable anymore.

I can proudly say I’m now beyond that.  I’ve been bit by the gardening bug BIG time.

It’s funny, after only having one year of gardening behind me…I already feel so much more wise about how I go about it this year.  Like how to space my pots and where I want certain things to grow in my garden.

I know exactly where to put my osteospermum so it grows SUPER big…with my cedars…which is weird cuz cedars kill things…hmm…who know?

My strawberry pot has been moved and made into a strawberry patch because I’ve been cutting the shoots off and planting them again.  There’s so many flowers on it…I’m so excited to eat all those strawberries.

Corn is planted in it’s usual spot and same with 3 pots of tomatoes.  1 yellow heirloom, 1 beefsteak heirloom and a cherry.  There’s also broccoli and the carrots have been planted too :) .  I have space left for my zucchini, some lettuce and red cabbage.   Although…I kinda wish I had some bush beans too.

Brent promised to build me some cedar boxes along my fence because it’s just to swampy there.  I’m tried of dealing with it so we’re building right on top of it and I can fill my boxes with flowers and other marvelous things.  Perhaps I’ll put some bush beans there :D

I still wanna find space for some blueberry bushes…alas…that’s probably asking far too much.  I love the idea of a mainly edible garden though.  K wait, I think i might have a spot for those blueberries.  Hmmmmm.

In the front of my house I planted a new bed with salvia, rosemary, lilies, heather,  johnny jump ups, pansies and lavender.  For my pots on the ground I chose purple and orange pansies.  Everything in front is purple and orange.  Except a pot of just white bacopa. :)   I also have yet to plant a hanging pot of wave petunias.

In the back pots that sit on my fence I planted purple, red and white wave petunias.  I like how much colour they have and how cheap they are…and how MUCH they grow!!

I’m very excited for my garden this year.  I can’t wait to get those boxes done and begin filling them up with perennials…and perhaps just a few annuals :)

I also took my bday money and bought myself a big, beautiful hanging basket full of bright and glorious flowers.  Pinks and purples and blues, so pretty.  It’s hanging outside my sliding glass door just like the last one did two years ago and it makes me ever so so so happy.

Photos to come, I left my camera at Jennies house.

Broken

Posted May 04, 2010 — by Jennie C.

Something important to me has broken.  Those of you who know me, you know what it is.  Those of you who do not know me may still find value in this little post, this little picture I am attempting to paint.

I’ve known this thing was breaking.  I’ve known that my attempts at holding it together were failing.  But I just now realized that it’s no longer breaking, it’s actually broken.

It’s a precious sculpture, something small, but solid, that fits in my cupped hands.  I’ve seen the cracks forming.  I’ve felt the structure weakening.  But I was holding it so tightly, it took awhile for me to see and to admit that it was actually broken.

I’ve been fumbling with this sculpture, this solid yet fragile thing, for quite some time, not knowing how to hold it together, but holding on tightly, knowing that just hanging on to it was not fixing it, but not knowing what else to do, not knowing how to prevent it from happening.

But now that I see it’s actually broken, not just cracked and fragile, I realize that holding it in my hands is no longer doing it any good.

I want to find some adhesive.  I want to figure out what goes where.  I want to study the individual pieces and try to figure out what went wrong.  And I can’t do that while I have both of my hands grasped tightly around it.

I’m not sure I’ll ever find the right adhesive.  I’m not sure I’ll ever know exactly what went wrong.  But I still must let go of the pieces.

I am gently setting the broken fragments down.  I am carefully padding them with soft bits of cotton and delicately placing them in a box.

I will never throw this box away.  I will always keep it safe.  And maybe some day my sculpture can be mended.

I HATE You Stupid Dirt Devil

Posted Apr 30, 2010 — by Leah

Oh stupid Dirt Devil my sister told me to buy

How I loathe thee.

You make me feel like the idiot in the Dyson commercials

coughing from the dust

flying

in my face whilst trying to clean the

stupidly placed filter.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid Dirt Devil

You suck

but in all the wrong ways.

I want you to suck the way a Dyson sucks

like suck up the dirt

actually.

Stupid person who designed this stupid dirt devil

You should be fired.

You should have to pay me back for all the times I sweated

trying to vacuum even just one stupid area rug.

Because you don’t work

well

at all.

You should have your vacuum designing license revoked

twice.

So should your boss.

Stupid me who believed my well intentioned sister

“its a really good vacuum for the price!”

You don’t know what you’re talkin ’bout

sis.

You should have your vacuum buying advice license revoked

twice.

Oh how I wish I had a Dyson

so pretty and so wise.

The man who made you

should get a vacuum designing award

twice.

How I want one of you

so badly

so badly.

But why doest thou cost a small fortune?

Am I destined to live with cheap-assed vacuumes??

my whole life??

Oh Dyson oh Dyson

I want to feel your power

under my hands.

Kissing my carpet with your futuristic grace.

Sucking out all the things

my stupid

stupid

Dirt Devil

will never suck away.

Because it sucks

ass. (sorry grandpa)

The day

when I get my Dyson

I will throw you off a cliff.

And then I will go down

and pick up

all the pieces.

Because littering makes me feel guilty.

Or I’ll just suck them up

with my new Dyson

because it can get the job done.

I hate you stupid dirt devil.