I just started on Saturday and I already learned so much and I’m using it all already.  I’m not a technical person.  I don’t like reading manuals and with my camera I’ve been too freaking impatient to learn it myself.  I can read something in my manual and it goes completely through my head.  Nothing sticks.  So I was taking photographs on very very automatic settings.  Not cool.

It’s been the major drawback in my confidence as a photographer.  I felt like I needed to know my camera more to be able to be confident.  I’m ok with my composition skills…just the other stuff.

So this course is going through everything.  I’ll even learn Photoshop basics as well.

I kinda wish they’d make two classes though.  One for people who absorb things quickly and one for people who need extra help grasping things…I think me and this guy sat around most of the time waiting to learn the next thing while the teacher re-explained things to people individually.  I mean…I’m not bragging or anything but…I coulda learned 2 or 3 times the material in that time period.  Oh well.

Ever since someone told my that my son has autism, I’ve kinda lost interest in things that had interested me before.  Like blogging, photography, singing…etc.  This course is really renewing my interest in photography which is great.  I need those things because without them…I just do nothing .

Anyway, I have things I need to work on now.  I’ve been meaning to organize Silas’ days better so I have him busier with activities rather than free play.  While free play is great and grand…he seems to be getting bored…and when bored, the child lashes out at Ikey.  I think if he’s got more of a schedule to his day, then he’ll cope better.

I haven’t wanted to do this so much because 1. I’m lazy and 2. I’m scared he’ll get too rigid.  I think I need to plan into each day a bunch more things that will keep us all occupied and learning.  I’m wanting to work in more sensory time, music skills, math skills, going through his “s” sound book and getting rid of that lisp in time for Kindergarten, organized play time with Ikey, exercise, yoga, reading, writing, fine and gross motor skills.

Now a lot of those can be rolled into one…so it’s not too overwhelming.

We’re also getting this amazing card system that’s his entire ABLLS program organized in a handy box.  It has each goal on there so I could pick up and move to timbuktu and still be able to complete Silas’ program all on my own.  It’s $500 but thankfully his gov $$ pays for it.  I love it.  Brent and I will much more easily be able to help blast him through this program.  There’s a big push for getting through most of it this next year.  Silas is absorbing things like a sponge so it’s gunna be easy I think.

Anyway, that was an easy blog to write…maybe I’m finding my passion in this too?

What has been up in my life?  Well…it’s just been busy.  My life consists of making sure Silas is at all his appointments, keeping the peace between the kids and um…relaxing in between.

Silas is the biggest sponge right now.  He’s learning so fast and advancing faster than I could ever dream.  Part of me feels like the world of autism is getting farther and farther behind us…but then I’m brought back to earth when I see how far along kids his age are.  He’s not there yet…but he’s getting there.

It’s like I’m the parent to a 2,3,4,5,6,7,8 year old all wrapped into one.

We’ve hired two new therapists and I’m very very much enjoying them.  I actually found a male and he’s a bit of a nerd so he teaches Silas things like how to read a 24 hour clock.  Yup…my 4 year old has it down…the 24 hour clock.  He’s really working on the academic stuff with him and he’s very organized and working on exact goals in Silas’ program.  I like him.  Woot.

What else what else??

OOOOOOOOOOOOO this Saturday I start SCHOOL!  Yes yes, I got a gift from my amazing Step-Father.  He’s sending me to photography classes every saturday for the next ten weeks.  Finally something for ME!!  I think I’m going to have assignments and everything.  Ooooo stressful but fun fun fun.  I’ll make sure to keep you all updated on everything as I go along.

Cleo is laying across my lap and my legs are falling alseep.  Sometimes I just look at her and wonder if she’s an angel.  How could such a perfect dog exist and how could she be MINE?  I just love her in bucketloads.  She’s so sweet and snuggly and she just loves me to bits and I just can’t stand any of it.  It’s too nice and special.  She’s just a warm, soft, squishy couch ornament.  GRRRR I love her.

Ikey Bikey Boo is growing up tooooo freaking fast.  He’s talking like crazy now and saying adorable things all the time.  He’s just a big bucket of smiles and joy.  I love him to bits.  He’s completely and fully dedicated to everything cars and trucks and trains.  Any sort of transportation I think.  He makes them talk to each other and whatnot.  It’s hilarious.

Anyway, I’m surrounded by cuteness.  Life is kinda good right now.

I thought it might be fun for those of you who didn’t get to take in the Winter Olympics 2010 to hear from someone who experienced them (somewhat) first hand.  I also want to journal our adventures, for my own family’s sake.

It all started with a set of rabbit ears…

Actually, it all started when we began hearing about the Olympics several years back, when Vancouver, BC won the bid to host the Winter Olympics in 2010.  My parents always made a big deal out of the Olympics while I was growing up and I was looking forward to participating, maybe even volunteering.  I had visions of being one of those figure skaters in the fancy little matching outfits that skate around between performances, picking up all the gifts and flowers that get tossed on the ice for the performers.  Ha.  OK, that wasn’t my most realistic vision, but I was really excited about getting involved some how.

But then I forgot to pay attention. And the next thing I knew, the Olympics were here and I didn’t have tickets to anything and no plans for participating whatsoever.  I frantically looked online for tickets, but the only thing left was a few early rounds of curling.  Not being a curling fan (and a little bit sceptical of curling’s qualification as a sport at all), I was heart broken.  And because we don’t have cable or satellite TV at our house, I didn’t think we were even going to be able to watch any of the Olympics.  The Olympics were practically in my backyard and I had nothing!

On the drive home from work, the Friday of the opening ceremonies, I was despairing.  Everyone in my carpool was debating who would be lighting the torch, and I was pouting and harrumphing.

When I arrived home, I went in our bedroom and flipped on the TV (which we primarily use for watching DVDs), with little hope, to see if we got reception through our rabbit ears for CTV, the Canadian channel broadcasting the Olympics.  We only get two channels.  I nearly wept for joy when I discovered that we did get CTV!  There was some hope!

I ran out to the living room and ordered my husband, “You gotta bring the TV into the living room right now!  The ceremonies are starting soon!”

I don’t often order my husband around.  I often try to order my husband around, but I’m rarely successful.  But he did it!  Woo hoo.  Plan B (which hadn’t existed up until moments before) was in motion.

We dragged furniture around and twiddled rabbit ears and the picture turned out to be pretty darn good.  Pooh pooh to all you flat-screen high definition snobs.  Pooh pooh I say.

“The Olympics are on!”  I hollered at the kids; yes, I hollered.

Inside voices were forgotten in the excitement.  The kids wandered into the living room curiously.  A TV blasting in our living room was something new to them.

“Look, it’s TV!  We’re just like a normal family,” I exclaimed.

Foreheads wrinkled with curiosity, eyebrows raised with interest, little thought bubbles full of question marks popped into the air above their furiously confused and sceptical little minds.  No one wandered away.  Everyone found places to plop and we all sat enraptured through the amazing opening ceremonies.

“This weekend might not be so bad,” I speculated, sinking deeper into the couch cushions.  “Honey, can you get me a beer!?” I roared.

… well, it was worth a try.

What’s with the whole “guide note” thing you ask?  I’ve been listening to the audio book version of the 6^th book in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy and am having zarking odd dreams these days.  Everything has a “guide note”.  I might as well embrace it…

Last night i had the bestest moment with Isaac ever.  He’s just getting to be so much fun.  I’m more and more able to understand his muffled words.  Ooooo he’s cute.

So last night I hear him blabbing in his room when he should be sleeping.  I look in just in time to hear him say “ha ha ha ha…agaaiiinn” to his stuffed giraffe.  Who knows what they were talking about.  So he notices me and then tells me he needs cuddles (again)  so in I go.

He’s being silly and not wanting me to go so I kiss his giraffe goodnight and then kiss him and then he makes his giraffe say something to me.  So I say to the giraffe “what’s your name”  then Ikey makes up some weird name and I say “that’s your name??”

“nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”

*ferocious laughter*

again and again I ask him his name and he says something different and the same thing happens but he keeps thinking it’s funnier and funnier.  Then the point comes where I’m laughing so hard at how cute he’s being and he’s laughing so hard because he thinks he’s hilarious and my laughing makes him believe he’s even MORE hilarious.  We just laughed and laughed and laughed.

I seriously haven’t heard him laugh like that without being tickled to death.  It was sooo funny.

He’s just a…ham sandwich.

He’s become soo affectionate with me.  He needs LOTS of hugs and kisses and asks for them frequently.  I love it sooo much.  MMMMM.

Anyway, that’s the low down on the Ikeyanator.

Two Saturdays ago, the day before the big game where Canada won gold against the USA (just thought I’d rub it in), I woke up at about 5 am to a VERY grumbly tummy.  I hurried to the…well you know…and relieved myself…hurriedly.  If ya know what I’m sayin.

I woke up later that morning to Silas puking his guts out.  He puked and he puked and he puked some more.  He laid on the couch and puked his little guts out all morning.  He did it with such grace.  It was all business, he was happy, marvelous.

Soon Silas’ puking stopped, he perked up and began playing a bit.  Nice.  The grumbles in my tummy, however, were getting a might worse.  Things were starting to loosen up and I began bracing myself for a night of sitting on the can.  Course only sitting.  I never throw up from a flu!

After getting the kids to bed that evening things started to feel VERY wrong.  It was a downward spiral of doom.  Soon I felt like I couldn’t sit up anymore.  Trips to the lavatory were becoming more and more frequent.  Soon…I did it…I vomitted.  It was horrible.

Back to the couch, back to the bathroom…back and forth.  I learned a good trick for this by the way and it helps your spouse with clean up.  He fills the bathroom with plastic bags that I can throw up in while sitting on the toilet.  Knot the top of the bag and into the garbage.  Zero clean up. Thought you should know that.

Soon my stomach just starts KILLING me.  KILLING ME.  I try and sleep but ugh…things hurt.  It’s about midnight now and I make it to the bathroom, astonished that pure water can come out of *there* and I try to return to my bed but I’m so light headed I make it to the hallway and just lie down, fetal position, moaning.  I literally feel like I cannot move anymore.  It hurt sooo bad and I was SO weak and dizzy.  The last vomit tasted like blood.  Things were getting serious.

Brent decided to call the nurse line and just ask what he should do for me.  He was so worried at this point.  He answer?? 911….NOW.  So 911 he called and I called my mommy bawling my eyes out.  I felt that they’d be able to help me though.  That as soon as the ambulance came I’d be given some semblance of relief.

Didn’t happen.

I don’t know if these paramedics could have had LESS empathy for the human race.  They didn’t look me in the eye and they made me SIT in the ambulance.  Bed all made…I’m SITTING with a dizzy explosive stomach flu.  I’m not a complainer…I was feeling a bit of a wave of relief at this point so I didn’t say anything.  I just leaned on the bed and made sure to cough on it.  I know they asked me to sit because they didn’t want to clean the bed.  Jerks.

I get to the hospital and I’m asked to do more sitting.  At this point I have nothing left in me to throw up so I’m dry heaving into this tiny paper bowl they gave me.  I ask to use the washroom and he says no.  Jerk.

Suddenly I’m being sent to the waiting room with all the other people.  WHAT?  I thought cuz I came in on ambulance that I’d get some sort of special treatment…like..ya know…a bed so I don’t faint.

I sit in a corner and begin to weep….weep, dry heave, weep, go to the bathroom.  I weep LOUDLY, I’m not a loud person in that sense.  I don’t complain to people like that.  I’ve always been known as the good, tough patient.

Not this time.  I moaned and cried and complained and wailed.  I ran to the bathroom and went again….blood in my stool.  LOTS of blood.  I tell the nurse and she says “ok” without even looking me in the eye.  I sit back down and begin to go in and out of consciousness.  Jerks finally call me as I’m having another bloody…ya know.  They put me on my bed and there I lie for an hour.  No blankets.  Fetal position, dry heaving,  no one coming to see me.

I lay there, whimpering while listening to the man beside me getting a catheter up his wanger.  He’s whimpering too and really embarrassed.  He can’t push out his own pee.  Is that really a bigger emergency than my bloody poops???  Next they’re treating a burn, giving a tetanus shot to some drunk guy who got in a bar fight.

They begin sending everyone home, talking amongst themselves, cleaning up, turning off lights.  I’m still there alone.  Finally I hear some whispering…shuffling…oh they remembered me…someone is coming.

The doctor was nice.  He told me I could have some ice…my mouth was so dry and I wasn’t allowed water.  He looked in my mouth and was like “wow you’re dehydrated”.  He ordered an IV of fluid and gravol.

I don’t remember much else.  I know I finally got blankets and some ice.  I know Brent kept texting me and I didn’t even have it in me to pick up my cell and respond.  He was soooo worried.  The nurse came in with the IV.  In went the fluids.  I always think it’s weird how you can taste them in your mouth as soon as they get in your body.  Next came the gravol and I passed right out.  Waking up off and on with people poking me here and there…or hearing my cell phone going off.

I wake up early in the morning, the nurse is there.  I tell her i feel horrible.  More gravol, pass out.

I wake up again after it wore off the second time and I begin vomitting again.  So gross.  Doc came to see me.  The Fluids were out of me but the nurse came back quickly with more gravol for me.  I passed out again.

I was discharged from the hospital with harder anti nausea drugs and strict rules to try and eat food.  I had successfully kept down a cup of apple juice and 1/4 of a baby cookie.  I made it home in time for the hockey game.

I stayed awake for the whole game until the third period.  I slept through it all and woke up just in time to see USA tie it up.  I felt like the end of the world had arrived.  How was I supposed to handle being so sick AND over time???

I handled it.  We won!!  I actually jumped high enough to scare the daylights out of Cleo and send her off the couch running across the room.  Then at about 5:30 I fell asleep and asleep I stayed until 12:00 the next afternoon.  I was better and I’ve slowly gotten better since.

And THAT my friends was the sickening adventures of Leah.  You’re welcome for all the details.

I’ve just felt so…busy.  We have soooo much going on in our life right now.  Silas’ therapy is booming and we just keep having to add more.  He’s still happy though and enjoying every moment of it.

Plus my husband and I seem to be getting a lot more social with friends these days.  Actually having real couple friends who like…wanna hang out.  Odd.

Life life life.

Silas is just…exploding.  It’s like he’s been in an egg this whole time.  Little cracks have been appearing in the egg and light shines out.  More and more and more appear and get bigger and wider and longer and more light is shining out.  I guess he’s…bursting out of his shell…so to speak.

Two days in a row he did something to made someone sad, stopped to think about it and then corrected himself.  He’s feeling empathy.  His sentences are getting longer, more expressive and more complex.

Ikey is staying the same stinker he’s always been.  Unfortunately staying a bit too much.  He’s almost 3 and we still dunno what he’s saying when he talks.  When it is clear…it’s great language.  He just talks like there’s marbles in his mouth.  In a way it’s nice because he still seems like a baby

Cleo…well…she’s still fitting in just fine.  She’s taken up permanent residence on our couch and finds the need to be near me at most points of her day.  there’s many moments where I’m peeing and I have Silas, Ikey AND the dog in there with me.  No peace for me I suppose.  Right now she’s curled up behind me on the couch.  Happy to be touching her mommy.  I’ve never had a dog who adored me so much.  She’s so lovely.  Our home feels so complete now that she’s in it….even though her hair is, well, everywhere.

Life is….stable…enough…

So there’s your update…I even did it on a day that i wasn’t supposed to blog.  That’s love

The smallest amount of stress cripples me.  Company coming, children screaming, having someone in my home, being in someone else’s home.  All I want in the couch, all I can focus on is one tiny thing at a time.  I feel immobilized.

It feels like it’s stopping me from feeling what’s it’s really like to be human.

I feel cheated.

The absurd part is that I am, well I feel that I am, incredibly intelligent.  I know exactly what it takes to get rid of it.

It’s a mental block, it all is.  I’m so tired of it.  I’m tired of feeling complacent, I’m tired of feeling like stepping into my kitchen to put a few dishes away is a mountain to climb.  I’m tired of feeling looked down upon, judged, etc.  I just wanna be the Leah I was born to be.  Not the Leah I’ve been beaten down into.  Sometimes literally, sometimes emotionally, sometimes from circumstance.

Sometimes I get a glimpse of happy, of normalcy.  Like this morning I woke up…wow…happy.  The hard thing with that is that the higher you are emotionally…the harder you crash when your day goes wrong.

I crashed

Sometimes I feel like there’s someone above me…watching, gauging the level of happy I’m at and then once I’ve peaked they throw daggers at me…put me in my place.

But really, am I not just making excuses for myself?  Isn’t this just a mental block?  Well I’ve purchased a bunch of books about getting past the mental block, training your mind…etc.  So here’s hoping.

Does anyone else get annoyed when the figure skaters stockings are like way the wrong colour for their skin?

I like to blog about funny and uplifting things.  Today Boy vs13 built a lego structure in my honour.  It says, “MOM SUCKS”.  This is neither funny nor uplifting.

Any foster-to-adopt parents out there that can tell me that this will get better?

That’s all I got.

Conspiracy of Kindness

Something weird is happening.  First, little sister number one sent me a cute little card and a bookmark.  Second, Mommzie sent me a cute little card with a heart-decorated key to her home and $10 to go for coffee with a friend.  Third, little sister number two sent me a cute little card and some nice rooibois tea.  What is going on around here?  In this age of email and instant messaging, little envelopes of love are shooting through the slot in my door!

I’m overwhelmed with love and gratitude for these dear sisters and mom of mine and I want to proclaim it to the world!

But, I need to know, is it a conspiracy?  Did they all notice my desperate need for a lift and conspire to create a cabal of kindness to lift my spirits.  Well, it’s working!  I love my family.  SO MUCH.  We don’t always get along.  But we always love each other.  And we work hard to love each other.  Love isn’t always a feeling; sometimes it’s a little envelope with a bookmark or a key or some tea in it.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Canada and Norway are battling at this moment in the Canada’s men’s hockey team’s first game of the Olympics.  We’re winning.  Of course.

We hadn’t planned on watching the Olympics because we don’t have cable.  But I thought I’d give the good ol’ rabbit ears a try and … woo hoo … we get CTV, which is the main Canadian channel.  I love my rabbit ears.

So, the TV, which usually hides in the basement, rarely used, has been moved to the living room and the whole family is glued to it whenever possible … just like a proper Canadian family

I think I have my Mom to thank for my love of the Olympics.  That woman can scream and cry better than any of the actual athletes’ moms.  Doesn’t matter which sport it is – we love them all.  And the announcers are so good, you learn a lot along the way.

And now I’m trying to pass this fanaticism on to my own children.

There are some interesting goings-ons around here, inspired by the Olympics.

Girl vs12 (yes, she recently underwent an upgrade) has some sort of sliding competition going on amongst her stuffed animals.  A Canadian teddy bear, Swiss ducky, Japanese bunny, and Chinese panda are being flung across the room and judged by their speed and acrobatics.  There were some delays when bunny went missing, but she was discovered (reasonably unharmed) being chewed on by Maddie (the Mexican judge).

Girl vs16 apparently knows a lot about all the sports, but in figure skating, she knows exactly what the judges are looking for … or so she says.  It’s such a delight to have a teenager who knows absolutely everything provide personal commentary through all the sports.  I especially enjoyed her comment, “He has a terrible French accent,” when Garou, a popular Quebecois singer, performed during the opening ceremonies.  And it was particularly insightful when she proclaimed, “He’s going to need to do better than that,” when one of the lugers exploded out of the gate.  What does the clock know?  Yeah, the clock that declared it the fastest start of the games … apparently my teenager knows better.  But it’s nice to see her enjoying the games so much.  She screamed uncontrollably when Canada got their first gold.  Grandma would have been proud.

Boy vs13 is mostly disgusted with the fact that his video game playing has been disrupted.  He still sits glued to the tv, but I think he enjoys the commercials most; commercials are a rare occurrence in his tv deprived life.  When Patrick Chan, a Canadian figure skater, was quoting a Chinese proverb about respecting your parents, he audibly scoffed.  I thought of practising some shotput at that moment, but I refrained.

All-in-all, it’s turned out to be a wonderful family time.  I’m not deterred by the fact that it primarily consists of me sitting on the couch begging everyone to please PLEASE just give me a few moments of peace.

In other sporting news … here’s two athletes from opposing teams … who seem to be enjoying their own little version of the games.