Depression begets apathy, apathy begets depression. The cycle of my life. It is with me even in my dreams. It’s roots have grown so deep into me, intertwined into my inmost being that it feels almost impossible to break free from it.
The smallest amount of stress cripples me. Company coming, children screaming, having someone in my home, being in someone else’s home. All I want in the couch, all I can focus on is one tiny thing at a time. I feel immobilized.
It feels like it’s stopping me from feeling what’s it’s really like to be human.
I feel cheated.
The absurd part is that I am, well I feel that I am, incredibly intelligent. I know exactly what it takes to get rid of it.
It’s a mental block, it all is. I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of feeling complacent, I’m tired of feeling like stepping into my kitchen to put a few dishes away is a mountain to climb. I’m tired of feeling looked down upon, judged, etc. I just wanna be the Leah I was born to be. Not the Leah I’ve been beaten down into. Sometimes literally, sometimes emotionally, sometimes from circumstance.
Sometimes I get a glimpse of happy, of normalcy. Like this morning I woke up…wow…happy. The hard thing with that is that the higher you are emotionally…the harder you crash when your day goes wrong.
I crashed 
Sometimes I feel like there’s someone above me…watching, gauging the level of happy I’m at and then once I’ve peaked they throw daggers at me…put me in my place.
But really, am I not just making excuses for myself? Isn’t this just a mental block? Well I’ve purchased a bunch of books about getting past the mental block, training your mind…etc. So here’s hoping.
Does anyone else get annoyed when the figure skaters stockings are like way the wrong colour for their skin?
Oh, Leah. I wish there was anything I could do to help you. I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now and I’m feeling bad, that I don’t leave a comment often enough. Because you’ve amazed me from the day I started reading. How much you love your two boys and how you deal with Silas’ autism. How openly you talk about your depression. You might not see it yourself (at the moment) but I think you’ve got an amazingly positive attitude towards life and I admire that. It’s inspiring!
So I’m sending lots and lots of happy thoughts from Germany all the way to BC. (((HUGS)))
Stop winning so many medals!!
Leah…I thought I was the only one that noticed the stockings! So annoying!
PS – praying for you!
I noticed the color of the stockings too. . . I only want to say that you are not ever being looked down on or judged by anyone – that is only your perception. You are lovely through and through.
leah. i know exactly how you feel. just can’t seem to beat it either. much love to you though.
To me you are an amazing person…I have always admired you and love being around you!!I agree with your mum, it must be a perception of you being looked down upon because I always look forward to seeing you. I know life is hum-drum alot but that is life and every day does bring lots of challenges that you conquer every day, you might not conquer everything but I bet you have conquered something in each day….you have a wonderful family and husband and extended family. So think on the love that we send your way when you feel depressed….love you bunchessss
Yeah, there was an adorable little American girl who I really liked and her stockings drove me nuts. You know I love you.