The Informal Matriarchs

Since it’s the holiday season and people are out shopping, I thought I’d talk about the products I’ve seen around that I just don’t understand, nor do I think one should buy them…for anyone…including themselves…or their hated ones. Pardon the layout…apparently wordpress forgot html…I swear it’s not my fault.

10. The Snuggie.  You know the nights when you’re trying to read a book, watch TV or talk on the phone and your blanket just WONT stay in place?  Those pesky blankets are just too much to handle and cope with.  So these smart smart people came up with the Snuggie.  Apparently we all need to fork out some dough for something that is, essentially, a backwards robe.  I guess turning up the heat, putting on warmer clothes or actually learning HOW to use a blanket are out of the question…

9.  Smelly Laundry Soap, especially the ones labeled “fresh scent”.  You see, I’ve figure out a secret.  You can actually wash your clothes, in the washing machine, without any stinky stuff and voila, it smells…..guess….FRESH!!  Weird huh?  Who would have thought fresh clothes would smell fresh?  I mean, the craziness of it all.  The irony.  The madness.

who

woulda

thunkit?

I dunno but next time you wanna smell fresh, just make the clothes fresh…because when they’re clean…you know.

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8.  The Bumpit.  This one makes me giggle.  Mostly because you look really silly with your hair like that.  Ya ya ya ya body is nice but c’mon…look at that bump!!  I admit I have been tempted to buy this product, just for curiosities sake.  But can it really work?  Can it stay put in your hair?  I highly doubt it.  I just imagine women with their bumps so high having a bump at the bottom of their scalp at the end of the night.  Now THAT’s glamour.  You can get loads more bumpit goodness at bumpitsightings.com which cracks me up.  Also, if you know what’s good for you, you must read this blog post about the bumpit and how she found out they’re not edible…kills me.

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7.  This one is a beaut.  You’ll just have to watch the video.  My favorite quote being “a one of a kind spiritual accessory”. *gag*

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6. This one SOUNDS fantastic.  I mean, it seems like a good idea. right?  It nicely files your dogs nails down for a perfect pedicure look.  Easy peasey eggs and cheesy.

Think again…

I had the pleasure of trying out this product at a friends house.  I may have had a few too many and, at first glance, I may have mistaken it for some sort of self pleasuring device.  Once realizing what it was, I stumbled ran over to their beautiful English Bulldog and tried it out on his nail.

The motor revved, my excitement grew.

I pressed it to his nail and EEERRRCCCHHH.  It just stopped on it.  I then brought it to the owner, making a joke about the self pleasure thing (because I have a big mouth), and told him it needed batteries.  Nope.  It just doesn’t work.  Don’t buy it.

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5. This next one we’re going to have to give a warning for.  Lets just say it’s rated R…or X.  Don’t Click Here if you are easily offended…because it’s kinda weird…not dirty…but…ya…But DO Click Here if you’d like a good laugh…and you have a good sense of humour.

Now that the disclaimer is done…lets talk about this…thing.  Essentially, it’s a pendent of your own vulva.  You can send this woman a photo of your clitoris and labias and she will then make you a VERY realistic looking pendant of it.  And then…what? We wear this around our necks??  Like in public?  Our own vaginas out there for everyone to see? “Hi nice to meet you, I’m Leah and here’s my vulva”.  Perfect conversation piece right?  “Oh yes I got it from etsy, she did such a good job making it look just.like.mine!”

Can you imagine if you came across someone who was wearing one of those?  Is it rude to stare?  Is there a way to politely look with without gawking at them?  I don’t know the etiquitte for looking at someone’s huhu strapped to their neck.  Any ideas?

If you’re planning on getting one you may need to wait a while.  They’re sold out.  Someone thinks it’s a great idea.  Again I find myself curiously wanting to buy one.

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4. The Tiddy Bear is wrong on SO many levels.  “tiddy” is surprisingly close to the word “titty” which is a word some people use to describe someone’s breasts.  Unfortunately this bear is also placed face down into a woman’s chest in the commercial.  Can’t they somehow make him face up at least?

Also, what the crap is so uncomfortable about a seat belt anyway?  Just put it on and quit yer whining!!

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3.   I want to do the Comfort Wipe for this one…but I don’t want to be to cliche here.  I’ll do something else…this one really gets me. Bratz.  I know your daughters go gaa gaa over them.  I know they’r like “soooo cool” but lets take a moment and use our brains here.  THESE are the image your daughters are seeing as beautiful.  Anorexic, creepy-looking weirdo dolls with freakishly long legs and feet, laden with hoochiemama makeup and so much hair that if you wanted to look that way your head would be falling off from the massive expensive weave you’ll be paying for.   And well…every girl has cat eyes…right.

give

me

a

break!

How is this good for our little girls?  How?  Unless you want them to act like her, her or these girls….perhaps you should think twice about letting these whorish little figurines into your home.  Like us women don’t have enough trouble feeling beautiful, these completely unrealistic dolls are sure to bring loads and loads more insecurity issues to your daughter.  What a FABULOUS idea.  Beauty before brains.  Yesssss.

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2. This one just makes me chuckle, and gladly not too many people have them.  Some of you know how I feel about “pimped rides” aka vehicles with crazy body work done, blinky lights, fancy rims and insanely large spoilers that’ll make any man look like he’s compensating for something.  The one thing they do that just does me in…you know those rims they put on that spin?  So when they’re driving the tires don’t look like their spinning at all and when they stop they spin like crazy…or something like that.  I’ve seen both.

The funny part is that they never work.  So Mr Chachy is in his car with the base thumpin and he’s all like “i’m so cool” and one of his dumb rims is kinda spinning, one is stuck, one is spinning backwards and the other is spinning at super fast speeds.  So cool because like…it spins.  People in Africa are starving but my rims [kinda] spin so I’m like…DA BOMB.

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1.  OOOO I’ve been anticipating this one with much excitement.  I saw this on TV last week and I thought they were joking.  I can’t believe it’s serious.  It’s just so FUNNY!  The others were in no particular order but I just saved this for last for the very point of highlighting the amazing stupidity of it.

You all remember Chia Pets right?  An animal thingy you spread seeds on and it grows “hair” and it’s like…kinda cool.  CHI CHI CHI CHIA!  Rockin.

I just never thought they’d do it to Obama…

Wow.